I’ve been writing about figuring out my desires and checking in with my body and really aligning with what’s best for me and what do I do when I have a chance to put it in practice? I blow it!!! Damn! Acting in alignment with my highest good isn’t that easy after all.
I wish I knew where my desire to people please and seek affirmation came from. I would tell you that I am strong and confident. People who know me would say the same thing. And yet, it’s kind of far from the case.
I had decided that I would make no decisions for at least another week. I decided I’d keep my mouth shut and just consider options. I decided I’d keep it to myself. So what happened? I didn’t.
It was between sessions at our current conference. My boss and I were waiting for others. We were discussing the minor topics associated with work. So I, somewhat (no, definitely) unconsciously, open my mouth and revealed it all.
I brought up my pending job interview (not a surprise to her really, she already spoke to them about me and she regularly sends me potential openings), my thoughts of high-stakes problems we are facing, and my options a and b around whether I might just step down from my administrative position. I opened the floodgates and let it flow.
Now, none of this is new or news. At times I have shared most of these thoughts in one form or another. But I’m chastising myself because I had said I’d wait. I had said I’d wait, and I didn’t. So why?
I’ve come up with a few ideas. First, when I’m used to acting one way and try to do something else, it takes discipline and practice. So as soon as the constraints are released and I become unconscious, in other words, I release my bars and filters, then I find myself back in my own habits before even realizing I’ve gone there or at least before it was too late to stop myself.
Second, it is possible that I am not comfortable with not being completely open. I know this is the case but it certainly has its pros and cons. On one hand, openness means I have no stories to keep secret or cover up. On the other, when I disagree with things or people I don’t hide that well. Even if it’s not my words, my face doesn’t lie. Honesty? Pro or con.
Third, and this is a mixed argument. It may be that I just want to get it off my chest and it may equally be that I want approval or to me talked out of what I’m thinking of doing. In this case, I’m abdicating my responsibility for my decision to someone else. Looking for them to confirm my rightness or wrongness.
Maybe it’s a combination of these or maybe none of these. But clearly, it is true that alignment of action with intention might be a little harder and take a little more time than just telling myself to “check in”.
So….still a work in progress!