Half-Baked
Most people would think that I am absolutely crazy for making this statement, but I have lived a half-baked life. True confession!! Yes, that’s me, part of the cookie-dough club. Cookie dough might be less than half but anyway, I digress.
One of the things that I was able to do, while scheduling the crap out of my day, was to look at the choices that I was making. I had the opportunity to look at where I planned to devote my time, what I planned to do with the set aside time, and why I decided to do the things that I did. For example, projects often had a number of sub-tasks that I had to put somewhere. These were things as small as letters of recommendation and as large as papers that needed written for upcoming conferences. Unfortunately, starting one task often overturned several others that needed to be finished, but at least it kept me honest and helped me get them done.
What I found fascinating though was the why. Why did I decide to do the things that I did? Why did I delegate those I decided to? Which things did I like to do…and why? And which things did I despise, still do them anyway….and why? Most importantly, why didn’t I do more of what I loved?
I found the answers enlightening. I do the tasks because the job requires them. I do the tasks because they are expected of me. I do the tasks because it’s the right thing to do. I do the tasks because, well shouldn’t I do the tasks?
That’s why I say that my life is half-baked. I’ve accomplished a lot. No, I’ve accomplished a hell of a lot. I’m a first generation college student who ended up with a PhD and is chair of a rather large department at a university. But when I look at how I got here, I realize that I pursued the next big thing, the next better opportunity, and while I’m very thankful for all of them, I also realize that what I abandoned in the process was myself.
Well, may be that isn’t entirely true. I have been able to weave traveling into many of my jobs. I have to admit, that I enjoy it. But what’s so funny is that I’ve never been able to admit that before. Everyone always said that I was SO lucky…that I got to travel…they were jealous. So I ended up down-playing it. I would travel, to work, and then travel home. Heaven forbid I let myself have fun and if I did, I certainly couldn’t admit it. May be that is kind of half-baked after all.
So I asked myself, what else have I not admitted that I like to do or stopped for a not very good reason? Well, writing for one. I love to write and I love to write poetry. It’s been pretty much a joke for all my life…”oh, is that your diary?” (Yes, what of it?) No really, it’s nothing…so I hid it, or didn’t write. I’ve also had to hide a lot of the reading that I’ve done through the years. “You read that crap? It doesn’t do anything for you.” In my married household, self-help and self-empowerment books weren’t viewed through rose-colored glasses. So I hid them, read them at work, or didn’t read. May be that’s one of the reasons that I chose mathematics to focus on. Besides the fact that it was a good choice to get a job, it was as far from reading and writing as I could get. Hmmm. I never considered that before. The other thing that I’ve stopped, is working out. I would begin a program, focus, put in time and effort, get results…and then either I was told that I was selfish for devoting the time or I would see other things, work tasks or family obligations, and I would convince myself to put those other things first. All the progress I’d made would shoot right out the window….and then some.
Well, I’m not angry about it, but I know that I want to be fully cooked and toasty! So those things that make me feel good, the writing, the reading, and even the working out, are making their way back into my life. I definitely don’t want to be under cooked any longer!!
