On the road again

I have a love hate relationship with travel, but mostly love. And not just any travel, but solitary travel and especially at the beginning. It gives me the feeling of being unattached and free. It is the wonder of looking around and seeing what is possible. It is the knowing that I am showing up for myself, and that I am more than capable of accomplishing this, on my own. It is also the times of quiet that it provides. Time to think and ponder and suppose and wonder. It is me. Within my head. But in a good way.

My travel used to serve two purposes. It was my escape from my day to day world that I couldn’t get away from on my own. It was part of my job, but my reason for not being home. Not that I wanted to escape all parts of home, just the parts that had me living someone else’s life and dreams. Someone’s other than my own. And the part that left me feeling never good enough, in any way.

The other purpose it served was that while I was gone, on the road, I could imagine that my life was as wonderful and positive as I wished. I called it my fictitious reality. I was on a business account, so I didn’t have to think about the things I didn’t have the money to pay for on my own. I was in a hotel that was usually pretty nice, so I didn’t have to cook and clean and have a space that met, or didn’t meet someone else’s expectations. I could escape into my room and have quiet. No tv, no one droning in my ear, well, at least not until I’d get the calls that I was expected, and required to answer. The ones that took all the peace away.

And then I’d hate to return home.

Recently, I’ve changed home, so it’s not the awful place I’m trying to escape. It is my space, and sometimes I hate to leave it. And yet, I do.

Travel makes me feel alive. It brings me to places and in front of people I don’t find in my back yard. It allows me to have small wins of confidence, knowing that I am smart and able to take care of myself, handle problems that may come up, and survive. It allows me to dare to be different outside my home spaces and to may be have some of that different and that daring return home with me. It allows me to grow.

And so I go. I’m off again and content…and I know that now when it’s time to return home, I’ll be ready for that too!