What is wasted time?

I had a lot to say, this morning at 3, and 4. But then I just made notes in my journal and went back to sleep. 

And then again at 2pm, racing down I-95, my mind a buzz, trying to dictate notes into my phone that I’d get to later.  I envisioned a brilliant post.  Poignant. Touching. ….…Unwritten. 

All of my feeling and motivation temporarily shoved into notes that I hope I don’t forget exist but even if I am reminded to revisit them, I wonder if the emotion and feeling that rose inside me as I was compelled to create them can be rekindled. If history is any teacher, the answer will be no. 

Why unwritten? I arrived back at work to discussions and meetings and emails and grading and driving home and dinner and pets and faculty evaluations and…it’s 11:30pm. And I need to try to sleep because I have to pick up my daughter in Miami at 8am. While I could try to force it, it was too good (at least in my mind) and I don’t want to cheat or minimize it’s worth. I hope I’ll remember!

My friend, coach and mentor, Nancy Levin, said when talking about the end of her time as event director for Hay House, “Hiding behind my job, left no room for anything else.” And even though I’ve felt the pull, those words gave me validation and a way to succinctly package it. All that busy, gives me time for busy….it doesn’t give me time for anything else. It doesn’t give me time for me. Because I am not my job. 

Two things I want to make note of before I go peel my contacts from my eyes. 

First, from yesterday’s post I want to make clear that I’m not blaming God or religion or my parents and I’m not angry at any of them either even though maybe I might be a little angry with myself for forming the beliefs that I did. But, I am also going to live myself enough to work my way forward. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, please read my previous post. 

Second, I have a voice in my head that has always talked to me. Not in the, I hear voices or it’s someone else sense. But sometimes she’s my mean girl. Sometimes she’s a voice of reason, or of anger, or of patience. Often though, I hear her say to me things like, “you” need to see things from a different point of view or “you” need to stand up for yourself. In this sense, if I am trying to catch myself and write about me and I. If I slip and say that you should really understand…what I really mean is that I should. 

It’s progress and insight every day!! Today was a big one…I hope I remember to share!

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